31 “For this cause a man will leave his father and mother and will be joined to his wife. Then the two will become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is great, but I speak concerning Christ and the assembly. 33 Nevertheless each of you must also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Paul spends a lot of time in Ephesians talking about familial relationships. He addresses the attitudes and treatment that husbands and wives should have for one another, and the attitudes their children should have for them.  Young couples often come to my wife and me asking for marital advice. We’ve been married for about forty-six years and it sometimes seems that we’re just now beginning to understand the things that really matter the most in a marriage. We often tell couples that one of the most difficult things for a husband and wife to do is to be kind to one another. You can actually love someone very much, and still be unkind. I sometimes take couples through a book called ‘His Needs Her Needs’. It gives practical guidelines of how a husband and wife can be kind to one another. Please understand that these needs vary from person to person so I speak in generalities. However, it is interesting that God’s word defines these greatest needs.

Near the top of most women’s needs is the need for affection. This is very closely tied to their need for security. The odd thing is that men don’t usually have this need, so they don’t understand how to fill it. This is why Paul gives the command that men must “love your wife like you love yourself.” Giving affection does not usually come natural for a man, and  God designed things so that when a man fulfills this need in a woman, it requires a bit of selflessness. He easily forgets that he must communicate to a wife that she is his treasure. She is his prize. As he “rescues” her from the weariness and toil of fighting with the world, she feels loved. He rescues her when he listens to her. (However, ladies, there may be a limit as to how much he can listen). His rescue might include working long hours to provide for her and the children. It might be calling the Air Conditioning repairman to get something fixed. It’s taking care of the problem with the insurance policy. He rescues her from her insecurities about the relationship when he sends her flowers or writes love notes to affirm her. He gives her assurance when he says, “I love you.” There is the old funny story that points out how insensitive a husband can be. He goes to a marriage counselor because he feels like his marriage is falling apart. The counselor asks, “Do you ever tell her that you love her?” The confused husband answers, “I told her I loved her the day we got married and if I ever change my mind, I’ll let her know.” Sadly, this isn’t far from the truth in many marriages today. And, the husband doesn’t have a clue.  The guidance and power of the Holy Spirit is needed for the husband to love his wife as he should.

Near the top of a man’s needs is the need for respect. Most women reading this will think, “Well I need respect too!” Yes, you do, but not to the degree nor in the same way that your husband needs respect.  It does not naturally occur to a woman to show her husband that he is her hero. In his inner man, he desperately wants to be her hero and rescuer. She is often tempted to point out that, instead of being her hero, he is a zero in holding up his side of things. And devastatingly, she will vocalize this to the children or other people. That is like taking an ax and cutting out your husband’s heart. It is the ultimate disrespect to his psyche. It will destroy his love for you quicker than a forest fire ripping through a drought-stricken stand of pine trees. The wife takes for granted that the husband ought to know those things are his responsibility and do them, and if he doesn’t she’ll make sure to let him and others know. Wives, resist the temptation to do this, as Paul advises, “Let the wife see that she respects the husband.” It is not something that comes naturally to her, but it is something that God desires for her to do. This is difficult when the man in the relationship acts in ways that are hard to respect, such as failing to be a bread winner. It doesn’t matter. There must be something, however small it may be, for which she can express respect for her husband. There was something that attracted her to him in the first place. Maybe think on that thing.  The smallest act of respect for him will reap big rewards.

God gives us clear instructions about relationships in the Bible because He loves us and knows what will work best and make us each better and happier people. That includes pointing out the needs He put into each man and woman. It is up to us to understand and to desire how to fulfill those needs in our partners as best we can.  When this knowledge about love and respect islearned and acquired, we then rely on the Holy Spirit to give us the strength and capability to express these things, even though at times it just seems humanly impossible. That is the marvelous power of God’s Word. It enables us to do what cannot be done on our own.